I’m kind of seen as a shiftless good-for-nothing living off the system when I can and cuting corners when I can’t. It’s not true though, I’m thrifty and clever and have gotten by on my own for the most part. I had a little luck here and there, but luck is the unexpected results you get from the work you put in to the world. I don’t want what most people think they want so to them it looks like I’m lost.
My brother told my friend he was worried about me, he thought I had stumbled and was ‘lost’ because I had given up on the faith I was raised with. HA I was more grounded at that point, post-faith, than I ever had been before and I told my friend that. My brother would be lost without his faith, I know that, and I know that’s why he thinks I’m lost.
I don’t want a career either, at least, not some bullshit 9-5 that has no bearing or relation to who I am. I’m a creative mind, WE ALL are creative minds, we’re all creatives! A fucking masters in business is such a sad waste of a mind, and our time, and our reality.
I don’t want a marriage, at least, not a marriage simply to get married. It’s the ‘next thing’ to do after college, you know? And something is wrong with you if you don’t, or at least, once you do you can see what is wrong with everyone who hasn’t found a partner to swear your undying filandering feality to.
Really though, it’s not that I don’t want what you want, I just see through the skin of our desires, and a lot of them are accumulating some really nasty vericose veins. Our desires have atrophied as man has gotten older and more connected so now we are standing on two planets, two planes. There’s the planet of our true desires, honest, red-blooded, passionate desires. And the Victorian, or the Protestant, or the conservative planet, the blue-bloods who have gotten to used to holding on to what they have to remember what they want or need. It’s not a one or the other choice, there is no red pill or blue pill here. We get so good at standing on both worlds and sometimes the red blooded experiences come out of nowhere and shake us wide awake. But most of the time we are so used to the blue blood, our hearts are beating slower and slower, and our senses atrophe and we don’t even notice the real world around us. We don’t notice ourselves in our numb march stepping stepping towards our ends.
I had a dream last night that seemed like an end, it was one of those cliche dreams you start a story with, espeically if that story is about the end of the world. Cliche or not, it had me contemplating what was real and what wasn’t, as I tend to do a lot anyway, because for a minute, it had me convinced that it was the real world and the one I’m typing in now is this silly dream I’m keeping.